So here it is, 12 years after the last instalment, the sequel that absolutely no-one at all has been waiting for. If you who don’t remember “xXx” (and be grateful if you don’t) it was predicated on the naff premise of a secret government agency that decided to employ skateboarders and base jumpers to send on dangerous missions instead of highly qualified/highly trained operatives. It’s the sort of thing that reeks of movieland brainstorming.
“Hey”, says some generic executive, “snowboarding, BMX’s and bungee jumping are pretty hot right now – any way we can squeeze them into a movie with Vin Diesel?”.
“Sure we can. And we’ll call it something like “X” only not so naff”.
This film opens with Augustus Gibbons (they also decided not to hold back on character naming) trying to recruit Neymar (yes, that’s right, Neymar) into the programme. Before he gets done with his pitch a satellite crashes nearby killing them both. Barca will certainly be aggrieved.
It turns out that someone (The Bad Guy) has nicked the “Pandora’s Box” a device that can control all of Earth’s spy satellites. Jane Marke (Toni Collette looking like she’s counting the minutes until she gets to walk away from this dross) is the woman charged with tracking them down and she reckons they’re going to need someone special to get the job done. That someone is Xander Cage.
If you want to envision Xander Cage just imagine James Bond except instead of an Aston Martin he has a skateboard and instead of charisma he has a sleazy way of ogling women half his age and instead of having good diction he has a baritone drawl that renders most of what he says incomprehensible.
So anyway Xander decides that he needs to recruit his own team so he enlists a sniper, a DJ and the Hound from “Game of Thrones” (because that show is “so hot right now”, I guess). Together they attempt to track down the crack team who stole the “Pandora’s Box”. In order to do this Xander must first go to London and don a ridiculous fur coat before sleeping with a roomful of supermodels. Why any of this is necessary is beyond me but I guess that’s why the word “gratuitous” was coined.
After this it takes them twenty seconds to track down their quarry which, I can only imagine, makes the government suits feel a little embarrassed. Next up there are a series of chase and fight scenes that grow ever more ludicrous until Ice Cube shows up with a grenade launcher and a poor quip.
To sum up the idiotic nature of this film is easy. At one point Vin Diesel and his nemesis Donnie Yen (who contributes to the most watchable moments via his fight scenes) are fighting each other on the way to try to stop someone they are both pursuing for the same reasons . There is zero understanding of drama here. Why would they bother fighting each other when they know they are trying to achieve the same thing? In short it’s a stupid film that demands you sacrifice too much of your brain to find it endurable.
Oh and on a personal note the actress Hermione Korfield misprounounces the word “irrevocable”. There are many things I can forgive in a crap movie. This is not one of them.
DIRECTOR: D.J. Caruso
RATING: 12A
RUNNING TIME: An Eternity
STARRING: Vin Diesel and a host of people who really should know better.
RememberTheBitWhere 